so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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