I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
