I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
