she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
