I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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