You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
