she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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