I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
