what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
