no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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