so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
