I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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