I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
