apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
