So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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