You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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