I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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