After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
