i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
