wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
