alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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