ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
