I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
