Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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