it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
