So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
