Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Someone stole a lamp last night.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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