Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
The best revenge is premature balding
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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