that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
