The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
