Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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