$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
