I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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