wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
