If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
