I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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