He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
