I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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