I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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