Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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