The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Randomize
