I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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