there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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