I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
