so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
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