just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
