Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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