Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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