I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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