Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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